If That's Okay With You
by RockxPaperxScissors
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon, what if there was no cliff diving? What if he simply lost his resolve and comes home to find how Bella has been dealing with his leaving? ExB : R&R Appreciated!


**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and any of the characters :) i just wish..*Attention to Santa!* haha. **

**okay anyways, this kinda a half song fic, and the song is NEXT LIFE - Varsity Fanclub. **

**Hope you like it!

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**EPOV**

Three months— three months after I'd left my Bella; three whole months after I'd told my angel the blackest lie possible; three whole months after _she_ believed that I didn't want her, that I didn't love her. _Why, Bella? Why would you so easily believe the lie, but not the truth?_ I'd asked her a million times in my head. I didn't know what to expect when I told her I didn't want her to come with me, but of all the things she could have said, all of which I was prepared for, she simply accepted it. No questions asked, nothing, she took those hurtful words as though they were a fact, as though she'd seen it coming all along. I was torn, as a part of me sighed in the slightest kind of relief, glad that this would be the quick, clean break that I'd planned for, while the other mourned that the time I had left with Bella was over…that this was it—love, life, meaning—it was all over. _You can't believe me, you don't believe me! Fight back! Say something…anything!_ I silently screamed, but I knew I had to leave…for Bella.

I'd promised that it would be the last she saw of me, but I was weak, so weak. After three mere months without her beautiful eyes, her intoxicating scent, her musical laughter, all resolve disappeared into thin air. I left my family in Alaska, ran back to Forks like I'd sworn I wouldn't. I'd headed straight for Bella's home unknowingly; I just needed to see my Bella again—I'd make sure she wouldn't see me. The house I was so familiar with was now in sight; the fading shade of dirty white that coated the apartment, and the wooden steps that lead the way into the house, those steps that Bella had trouble keeping her balance on. Memories of her chocolate brown eyes, her long mahogany hair, her sweet smell of freesias flooded my mind, and before I knew it I was willing myself to go faster.

I darted towards the backyard and launched myself onto the roof, peeping into her open window, only to find nothing but an empty room. My heart sank. I needed to see her, and the desperation was overwhelming me by the second. Then it hit me—Bella had left her window open. Nobody was home, why would she leave her window open? Could she still be waiting for me, for the day I crawl back through her window like the pathetic monster I am and begged her to keep me? Because I knew that day was close…too close for my liking.

I spotted a black, wooden box on her table top, with the words _For Edward_ neatly written in gold on the cover. Without second thought, I was through the window and beside her desk, lifting the cover to reveal a stack of envelopes neatly placed atop of each other.

_Dear Edward,_

_Tomorrow would make it a whole three months…three months since you left me. It's funny how time pasts so quickly. School was fine today, same as always—dull, boring, pointless. I've been studying hard and completing my homework like I used to, though, just to please Charlie. Plus, I need something to do to keep myself busy anyway. Charlie wouldn't stop telling me to get over it, get over us, to move on. But Edward, I could never. I know you told me, nothing reckless, but there are those days where I just don't know how to carry on with my life, you know? I can't get the memories of us out of my head, and to be honest, Edward, I don't want to. Those precious memories are the last I have of you…now why would I want to rid of that, of you? Some days I'd wake up in the morning expecting to be wrapped in your embrace, only to find that dreadfully empty space I've left for you on my bed. I don't know if I do it unconsciously, but it's always there Edward. The nightmares won't stop, too, and as silly as I know this is, I still leave my window open like I used to, even when it rains, I'd leave a gap, just so you'd know you're welcome. But you never came, love. You never came back to kiss me awake when those nightmares haunt me at night. Maria has been teaching me new songs on your piano lately, and whenever my fingers dance across those sweet notes, it just brings me that much closer to you. I know why you love the instrument so much now. I do, too…And it's nice to know that we're still connected in some ways. _

_Well, I guess I'd better get going; I have another lesson with Maria in half an hour. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, forever._

_-Bella _

I felt my stone heart shatter as I skimmed through those words. My Bella hasn't given up on me, despite the hell I've put her through. I didn't deserve her, I didn't deserve anyone. I was a monster designed to kill, to hurt people, and I couldn't even spare hurting the one I loved so dearly.

Piano lessons… The thought of Bella sitting at my piano, a light smile plastered across her face as her fingers flew across the notes...ah, the melody. I was peaceful for a slight second, just thinking of my angel.

My train of thought was brought to an abrupt halt when I realized—My piano…back at my old home? We didn't bring it along with us; we left in such a hurry. That's where she was! I dropped the letter and bolted out the window, darting straight for the woods. That's when I heard her angelic voice get louder as I quickly neared the house…

**_Outside the air is cold as winter begins and fall, they say that you are gone_**

Then I saw her, through the wide glass windows, her petite form in front of the piano with her eyes shut, her fingers playing the most melancholy tune I've heard in a long time. She opened her mouth again, and I was ripped into shreds as I heard the sweet melody, finally paying attention to the words she was singing with such emotion.  
_  
**In my mind I hold you here but it's hard to match your sounds, proves that you're nowhere near... they say I must be strong**_

She sighed, taking a shaky breath as she opened her breathtaking brown orbs. They were exquisite; _she_ was exquisite. Yet they were filled with tears, and it took all the strength in me to refrain from running up to her and kissing them away. I wanted so badly to hold her close and promise her, this time a promise I would never break, that I loved her, and that I wasn't ever going to leave again.

**_But I can't find the need to take a breath, if you are gone then I've got nothing left_**

Of course you do, you silly, beautiful girl! Your life is worth more than me, more than a worthless creature who couldn't protect what he loved, so much more—I screamed at her in my head.  
_  
**My life, shouldn't I rather face my death than to go on without you?**_

Nothing reckless…I was glad I'd made her promise me that. I could not, and would not, live in a world where she doesn't exist. She was everything; she was the only thing I lived for.

**_I cry cause I can't find the strength to stop,  
I try but only till my knees have dropped_**

Her voice broke on the last word, and she bit her lip to keep herself from crying. As I saw the tears fall and her body shake uncontrollably, I started to cry, too—dry, silent sobs. I had never hated myself more than I did in this moment. I was disgusting. My Bella was crying over me, _for _me. I'd hurt her, I'd made an angel cry.

**_Flat line I wish my heart could just shut off cause I can't go on alone without you_**

She took those words right out of my mind. I'd missed her so much. Why did I have to be the revolting bloodsucker that I was? Why couldn't we just be two humans falling in love? Why did fate have to work in such cruel, ludicrous ways?

**_As I say my prayers in bed, I wonder if I reach you or am I just calling out in vain? _**

**_For everything has been said, I'm thinking how can this be fair?_**

It's not fair, Bella. Nothing is fair. If this world were fair, I wouldn't have had to let you go. I wouldn't have had to kiss you goodbye. I wouldn't have to see an angel weep.

_**I wonder will I see you there?  
But I can't find the need to take a breath, if you are gone then I've got nothing left  
My life, shouldn't I rather face my death?  
Than to go on without you  
I cry cause I can't find the strength to stop  
I try but only till my knees have dropped  
Flat line I wish my heart could just shut off cause I can't go on alone without you**  
_  
I lost all control and found myself growing closer to her with every step that I took. She was oblivious to my presence, though, her eyes fixated on the keys as she took another breath to finish the song.

**_Maybe I'll meet you in my next life if that's okay with you... _**

Of course it's okay, Bella. It's more than okay.

**_Maybe I'll see you there through my shining light  
Until then I'll be blue..._**

Her voice broke again, twice, as she choked on her tears. I clenched my fists, holding them down at my sides, willing myself not to get any closer.  
_  
**But I can't find the need to take a breath, if you are gone then I've got nothing left  
**_  
_Edward Cullen! _I yelled at myself. Move _away from her, there's still time._

_**My life, shouldn't I rather face my death?**  
_  
And yet I felt myself take another step forward, another step closer to my Bella.  
_**  
Than to go on without you**  
_  
_You left her for a reason, you selfish monster!_ She was so close to me. So very close. I knew there was no turning back now.

**_I cry cause I can't find the strength to stop  
I try but only till my knees have dropped  
Flat line I wish my heart could just shut off cause I can't go on alone without you  
_**  
"Bella?" My voice was hoarser than I'd expected, my words came out as nothing louder than a whisper. She gasped and the melody had stopped, her hands falling into her lap as she whipped her head around, raising her tear-filled eyes to look at me. I stood rooted before her, my eyes trying to say what I failed to put into words. For once, I was completely vulnerable. I didn't find the need to hide it. I showed her, I showed it all to her—

the hurt,

the remorse,

and the love that was always there, that always will be.

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**:) thanks for reading! **

**merry xmas.  
**


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